Three Boy Scouts, One Lawyer and One Liberal

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a liberal, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot screeches, “Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let’s give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them!”
The lawyer yells, “Fuck the Boy Scouts!”
The liberal says, “Do we have time?”

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Independent Sperm

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, “Why don’t you just swim around like us?”
Bob replied, with a smirk, “well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there”.
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, “back up boys it’s a BLOW JOB!”

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Teaching The Kid Not To Cuss

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out “Ouch you fucking wanker!” later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said “Father, my boys just won’t stop swearing and I don’t know what to do.”
The priest says, “Well, have you tried smacking them?”
She said, “No, doesn’t the church look down on that?”
The priest comes back with, “Well, yes, but in some cases we’ll make an exception.”
The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy declares, “Well, gimme some fucking waffles.”
The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was, “Well you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no fucking waffles!”

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Lessons Learned In The Bathroom

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says, “I was taught to be thorough.”

The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says, “I was taught to be environmentally friendly.”

 

The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He pipes up, “I was taught not to piss on my hands.”

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